20-Second Memory Loop Stasis.

"Mom, can I have a . . ."

There are few things uttered here that don't start with that phrase or its cousins. Can I have . . ? Will you please . . . ? Momma! Help me now! The blanks are filled in with need-fulfilling flotsam.

I accept that my role is one of the provider, the fixer, the middle woman. I'm like a personal assistant to Anna Wintour, the infamous fashion editor who The Devil Wears Prada was modeled after (see the real Anna Wintour acting like a devil in The September Issuse). I fetch like a dog and I'm hanging with the whiniest people since The Jerry Springer Show.

Most kids need to purge their desires every few minutes or their wee brains might explode. Therefore, while one asks for milk another is queuing up her request for a TV show, and the original beggar is now looking for a snack. These kinds of demands come often enough that most caregivers are stuck with a running to do list of tasks that should take no longer than 20 seconds each: Hand a child a toy, pull out a box of graham crackers, help someone flush a toilet. But when a care giver's mind is trying to keep a running list of requests 100 items long, it can get stuck on pause.

As I was standing in my kitchen yesterday, twirling aimlessly trying to remember if I was supposed to be making peanut butter sandwiches or collecting an errant toy for the toy parade constantly making the circuit in my living room, I realized that there's a particular dysfunction affecting my memory: 20-Second Memory Loop Stasis.

Twenty-Second Memory Loop Stasis is a newly recognized mental illness, not yet included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) because I'm the only person who recognizes it as an illness. But that doesn't mean I can't launch a national television-commercial campaign aimed at acquiring thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of would-be sufferers to unite and file a class action lawsuit against---who else?---children.

My commercial might go a little something like this*:

Have you or has a loved one ever raised, help raise, or been in prolonged contact with children? Have you or a friend or a loved one ever fetched endless items at the behest of a toddler? Have you or someone you know ever stood still in a busy room wondering what in God’s name you entered that room for in the first place? Have you ever loaded your pants pockets with mini erasers, stray pen caps, a blob of Play Doh, four pennies, a headless Barbie, two AA batteries, and a piece of day old bagel and left it all there because you were distracted by a child fighting over a broken crayon with another child? Do you find yourself repeating small task lists over and over in your head like a mantra  because the alternative would be to feel your overwrought brain dribble out of your left ear? 

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions you may be suffering from 20-Second Memory Loop Stasis. This affliction is newly diagnosed in the medical and psychological fields. Otherwise healthy, mentally fit people are finding that they are no longer able to recall and act on tasks and requests if they cannot do so within 20 seconds. These sufferers’ brain chemistry has been altered by constant exposure to adolescent need distributors, also known as children. These Adolescent Need Distributors are engaged in sending out a constant stream of requests, in much the same way that bats hunt for insects using SONAR. Children, however, use their Need Distribution Systems to determine the whereabouts of their caregivers and to exert their desire to be indulged at the turn of each and every whim.

A class action lawsuit is now being organized by the Law Offices of Spankum and Howe. Call us now to receive your free 20-Second Memory Loop Stasis Information Packet and DVD that explains what 20-Second Memory Loop Stasis is and how you can be in touch with doctors conducting 20-Second Memory Loop Stasis evaluations. Find out if you or a loved one need to be treated for this debilitating disorder. The DVD and Information packet will be mailed to you at no cost and  includes information about Adolescent Need Distributors, also known as Children---what they knew, what they covered up and how victims can go about recovering financial compensation or compensation in the form of corporal punishment. We believe we can help you and your loved ones during this terrible time and bring the children of the world to account for their crimes. Don’t hesitate, call us now.

*I modeled my commercial after the many Mesothelioma (insert disease associated with a lawsuit here) commercials I am always seeing on TV. I need to send a particular shout out to these folks, from whom I borrowed some of my script. I would have made a video of myself acting in this commercial if Roo hadn't thrown our digital camera in the tub a few nights ago. Feel free to send me a Flip video recorder as a gift.

Click it. Please. Save the blogger, save the world. What has happened to that show? Heroes? Anyone?