Pregnancy: When Fetuses Attack.

My buddy, Elly Lou of BugginWord, is pregnant for the first time. Cue the "Awwww" track you already mommies. It's time to spend a few moments saying silent prayers for the newbie.

Elly recently blogged about how not fun being pregnant can be. Even though someone from corporate should have gotten her to sign the non disclosure agreement, she went ahead and spoke the truth.

I never signed that contract either. It seems some ladies with child are laboring (ba-dump-dum) under the delusion that pregnancy is all about glow. I never had that expectation when I was first pregnant, but I understand the mythology.

A pregnant woman is precious, bursting with precious. She represents, at least for Christians, the Virgin Mother. (Thanks for that impossible dream God. She couldn't have been the Mostly Virginal Except for that One Time Mary?) A pregnant woman is a vessel for hope. She's spring's promise. She's the incubator of the future. I'll stop now. No, one more: A pregnant woman is the petri dish of evolution. And some of us have built up the idea that if the result of pregnancy is near to a miracle, the pregnancy itself must be ambrosial. Or, at least, we shouldn't complain about it because, hey, Mary trekked all the way to Bethlehem and got down in the hay after balancing her very pregnant, likely piles-riddled rear on a comfy, coach-class donkey, and gave birth to the Jesus Christ, you know, capital S Savior.

I'll bet you a jar of frankincense she was at least cranky. And today's reincarnation? She's the lady two stalls down from you in the office washroom reacquainting herself with her Wheaties.

So here's the rundown, and it's not comprehensive, of pregnancy's lesser miracles. I don't like to scare the would-be moms, the dreamers with lullabies in their hearts. But I think Elly highlights an important educational void for the newly pregnant. If you prefer to spend your pregnancy looking out the window for the stork, you might not want to read on.

Pregnancy: When Fetuses Attack.

• Have you ever experienced the emotional unpredictability of PMS? Pregnancy makes PMS cry over her Ben and Jerry's. If you do not contemplate divorce/homicide/gender neutral baby names during your pregnancy, you're not normal.
• Remember puberty? It's baaaaaack! And it's hairier; it's greasier; it's zittier. The "glow" is the reflected fluorescent light of the Motherhood Maternity dressing room off your slick forehead.
• Don't worry about those cankles (calves + ankles = cankles). You won't be able to see them soon because of your stoobs (if calves + ankles = cankles. . .).
• A note about stoobs. What isn't sore is itchy. 
• You thought you'd have nine months without feminine hygiene products? No liners or pads? You're cute.
• What doesn't stretch will tear. 
• What doesn't tear will be incised.
• Yes, those are hemorrhoids. Like "real" contractions, you'll know it when you have them. 
• If the nausea/vomiting doesn't get you, the heartburn/diarrhea will.
• That shooting pain in your lower back that radiates down your legs and drops you like a bad habit? There's a name for it: Sciatica. Now you and the nice elderly lady in the electric cart at the grocery store have a common ailment to chat about over produce.
• You will leak. You will leak tears when you are suddenly starving and the kid in line in front of you at McDonald's orders 25 custom variations of a Quarter Pounder. You will leak from there. There, too. Just, carry paper towels.
• Other common side effects include: migraines, changes in vision, decreased desire for intimacy, increased desire for intimacy, discoloration of your skin, snoring, runny nose, hot flashes, narcolepsy, insomnia, depression, manic behavior, increased credit card spending, french fries, ugly pants, back fat, wide feet, intense hatred for the non-pregnant and people who can drink coffee/booze. 

But, really, enjoy this special time.

A vote for me (click the banner and you're done) is a vote for cute babies. Ninja Mom + Babies = Ninombies. I don't think that worked as well as "cankles." Vote anyway?