Today's Mommy Weather Forecast brought to you by WMOM and the Diaper 5000 Storm Tracker.
TODAY: Hazy with a chance of timeout. Emotional temperatures may experience sudden drops to below freezing. Storms likely in the afternoon around nap time, but clearing by dinner as the storms are blown out of the house on wine-fueled breezes.
If I am the weather in my home (and I am, bow to my might!), then my kids are the storm chasers. No neatly groomed and coiffed weather persons, they. Neither are they talking heads in front of a blue screen making practiced arm gestures indicating a fast-moving front of "Mommy's PO'd that the playroom's a mess." They aren't even the field reporters standing under a failing umbrella while Lego debris pelts them from the ground up. "Folks, it's very dangerous out here in the kitchen where the storm is currently centered. Authorities suggest you evacuate to the playroom or your bedrooms. From WMOM, SAHM-TV, this is Whiny Progeny, reporting."
My kids are brasher and braver and, one might argue, more desperate than that. They want to know not what's happening now with Mommy Weather, but what's about to happen. They employ precise, scientific "pinging"* technology to determine not only the location of a potential mommy storm center, but its conditions and potential for damage.
|Helen and Bill were ready to confront devastating tornadoes in the name of saving lives, but an oncoming mom whose children dumped rice on the living room carpet and poured her coffee in the toilet? They are frozen in fear, poor souls. Run! Pic here.|
My storm chasers will send out scouts---it helps if you imagine two or three kids bouncing along in a battery powered Jeep Power Wheels toy, hanging on for dear life as they tear through the house in search of a Mommy Front. Oh, the drama! Will they survive? Will their truck be overturned when they careen over an errant sneaker? If they do hold on, they will probe the front with shrill calls of "Mommy?" until they receive storm feedback. Then the hard work of turning data into forecast begins. Storm conditions are classified in one of the following ways.
- Category 1 Mommy: Responds to a ping with "Yes, sweetheart loveykins, my wittle numnums angel?" or similar. Potential for unexpected embraces is high. Might be serving ice cream, getting out the paints, or cuing up a feature length animated film and serving popcorn. Hums or sings and dances. Possible chance of timeout < 0%.
- Category 2 Mommy: Responds to a ping with "Yes, honey bear?" or similar. Might be preparing a sugary snack, getting out the Play-Doh, or cuing up a feature length animated film. Hums or sings. Possible chance of timeout up to 10%.
- Category 3 Mommy: Responds to a ping with "Yes?" or similar. Might be preparing a healthy, but kid-approved snack, getting out the crayons, or cuing up a Nick Jr. show. Might hum. Possible chance of timeout up to 30%.
- Category 4 Mommy: Responds to a ping with "What?" or similar. Might be serving water and carrots, throwing out the Play-Doh, or cuing up a PBS show. Might grumble or yell. Possible chance of timeout served in your bedroom up to 75%.
- Category 5 Mommy: Responds to a ping with "Get away from me!" or similar. Might be serving herself chocolate chips and Pringles, burning stuffed animals, tossing children's DVDs like ballistic Frisbees. Will certainly grumble, mumble, and likely shout and cry. Possible chance of giving everyone in the house, including herself and the dogs, a timeout in their respective bedrooms is 100%.
Hope you're in for sunny skies today. Things are looking like we've got a 50% chance of "don't make me repeat myself" here in my house. Better bring the Pringles, just in case.
*Thanks to my friend Debby for a pinging discussion yesterday that inspired today's post.
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