A Public Service Announcement from Ninja Mom Blog
Timeline—Fort Wayne, IN, Jan. 10, 2013
Parents, take note of a dangerous trend in children’s
clothing. This new terror arrives in the wake of the dangers that were
unearthed when young Mary Kate nearly lost her tongue to the number one severer of tongues, vacuum-powered metal water bottles.
(That's ridiculous of course, because how much could you possible vacuum with a water bottle? You'd be emptying it every few minutes. Sometimes adding technology is not an improvement.)
(That's ridiculous of course, because how much could you possible vacuum with a water bottle? You'd be emptying it every few minutes. Sometimes adding technology is not an improvement.)
Now grave news has surfaced about the hidden danger of children’s apparel. Not since parents were urged to discontinue the use of
scarves on young children because they pose a strangulation hazard, in addition
to being the second most misplaced winter accessory (mittens, obviously, are the first), have
parents faced such insidious clothing-based danger.
Pockets.
Children who walk with their hands in their pockets are face
planting all over the country in alarmingly high numbers—of which I have
evidence of only one incident. Children are tripping while walking with their
hands trapped in their pockets and are rendered helpless to break their fall
except with their faces.
These innocents are victims of such retailers as Target, Wal-Mart,
Gap Kids, Baby Gap, Gymboree, Janie and Jack, The Children’s Place, Kohl’s, Hanna
Anderson, H&M Kids, Old Navy, Mini Boden, and that friend with triplets who
gives you all of her hand-me-downs. Retailers have not made themselves
available for comment, largely because they have not been contacted about this
alarming trend, which is a sure sign of their culpability.
Other pocket dangers include: children discovering and ingesting old candy, the illusion that a child’s hands have magically disappeared, sweaty
palms, wear on pocket seams, warm hands, and lint under their fingernails.
Earlier this week . . .
- Who hasn't heard of the beverage craze sweeping the nation, Wine-Not? Not only am I the star of the production, I'm also delusional. This in-faux-mercial is the brain baby of the witty, talented, jingle-singing Bad Parenting Moments.
- Mommy, for Real took a ride on the Character Assassination Carousel. Barbie was sniped while working for NASA. Or as a proctologist. Details are unclear.
Elsewhere on the internet . . .
- I was featured on Scary Mommy because I know why the toddler cries.
- Because I know you like to laugh, you'll also want to read these posts that were featured on Scary Mommy this week: Motherhood, WTF?, Hollow Tree Ventures, Toulouse and Tonic, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, and Suburban Snapshots.
- I'm Gonna Kill Him penned the best list of New Year's resolutions guaranteed to lead to failure.
- Anna at My Life and Kids might still be a virgin if she'd kept up her intense virgin-for-life training that her mother devised for her.
- A rash of deep and meaningful observations were made by me on NickMom, as Murphy's Mom's Laws.
***
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My boys have repeatedly face planted while running around with hands in their pockets (usually coat pockets, spreading the coat open to pretend-fly while running). Happened once at our local zoo and involved enough blood to locate the first aid people and a band aid. Pockets are also stealthy spots for hiding crayons to introduce into the washer and dryer. Ban the pockets!
ReplyDeleteRight! Crayons. I once had to scrap a 1/2 inch of dried crayon out of my dryer. Jerky crayons. Stupid pockets.
DeleteWhy do my children's clothes have real pockets and mine have fake ones? Surely a 34 year old who is adequately informed can be trusted to use real pockets even when walking. Discuss.
ReplyDeleteThis is the best question of the week. I'm posting it on my FB page because if we can't make an issue out of it, why have social media? :)
DeleteLet us start a campaign to have pockets outlawed on childrens' clothing because the illusion that a child’s hands have magically disappeared is putting too much stress on my heart.
ReplyDeleteIt is distressing.
DeleteI had no idea how luck we have been to escape the early childhood years without consequence from wearing pockets! And to think I was out buying clothes with pockets with reckless abandon. Whew.
ReplyDeleteThank the good lord I was here to prevent you from getting more things with pockets.
DeleteMy son did exactly that-biffed it at school right on his face. He was doing exactly what he should be-walking in the hallway with his hands in his pockets. Wait... I think they were in his pants...
ReplyDeleteThank you for this public service announcement. Knowing is half the battle...
Ah, pants nor pockets are responsible for that particular biff,my friend.
DeleteEnemy to faces ...snort! Thanks again for the carousel ride! Cheers to good traffic this week!
ReplyDelete:) any time! Hope it was a good week for you!
DeleteI ask you this, NinjaMom, who hasn't ruined a load of laundry because of the ol' tissue in the pocket routine? Who hasn't had pockets on a pair of soft pants add what looks like 372 extra pounds? Pockets are an instrument of the devil, if you ask me!
ReplyDeleteHaving just survived the hysteria of The Lost Matchbox Car, where we nearly tore an entire playground down looking for His Favorite, and tearfully involved complete strangers in the hunt, only to find out it was hiding the whole time, thanks to a hole in his pocket, in his jacket, I am totally with you.
ReplyDeleteDown With Pockets!
We've had pocket-induced faceplats as well. Where the hell are the warning labels??? I smell a conspiracy!
ReplyDeleteWe haven't had them too often, but then again so far my kids don't seem to be as much of a klutz as their dear old mom, but that said I am sure that could change any moment, because Murphy's Law once you say something isn't happening, it usually does, lol!!
ReplyDeleteThis is just the beginning - pocket warnings shouldn't just be for kids! Long into motherhood, pockets pose a grave risk of accentuating ass lumpiness due to the high frequency of children begging to take small toys to the playground and then conning their mother into holding the toys as soon as they arrive.
ReplyDeleteWhen my girls were little they would love to shove everything in their pockets and would complain when me mummy would empty pockets and toss stuff into the bin when I did the washing.......as for running around with their hands in their pockets well they didn't do it but it wasn't thought a good idea back then unlike kids now days really sometimes I wonder what goes through a childs head..........ok I know.......nothing............lol
ReplyDeleteNeedle and thread to pockets happening immediately. You forgot to mention they smuggle chapstick and crayons into the dryer, too. The scoundrels. Ellen
ReplyDeleteI say you should just let them run naked all the time : ) Who needs clothing?
ReplyDeleteVery cute, and funny. Just discovered your blog but so far really enjoying it!
ReplyDelete