Babies are jerks.
There's been a lot of lip service paid to the topic of managing babies' jerkiness. There are dissertations on swaddling, soothing, and calming our tiniest humans. Veteran moms tell new moms the tips and tricks that worked for them. New moms take notes from parenting books, laminate them, and hang them on the nursery door in the hopes that they've stumbled upon the formula for success.
The lies stop here. Babies are just jerks. There's only one rule for the first year of their life. SURVIVE. Okay, two rules. Survive and don't drop them. I'm thinking, yes, maybe three rules. Survive, don't drop them, and don't piss them off.
Earlier this week . . .
- Girl Scout cookies make one happy. And fat. In other words, you become Santa Claus.
- I rip the cover off the twins cover-up on Mommy Shorts. (Fleece, it turns out.)
Elsewhere on the internet . . .
- I couldn't stop making up my own Thin Mints meme on my Facebook page.
- Una LaMarche is better than Joan Rivers when it comes to fashion critiques and red carpet take-downs. (Don't miss part II!)
- Learn more than you want to about Anna from My Life and Kids' "elephant" on Scary Mommy.
- Kids have questions for their pediactrician. Well, one. "Shots?!" It's me, on NickMom.
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You swaddle them to control their jerkiness? I always thought swaddling was a 5-pint restraint directly out of the womb so that your new little tax write-off immediately knows who's boss.
ReplyDeleteWell, THAT TOO. ;)
DeleteI think when my daughter was a baby I made her mad by breathing. I still do that from time to time and she's four now.
ReplyDeleteYour banners are not shiny enough. I need shinier banners so I will be moved to click! ;-)
Breathing, that's a great way to tick off a baby/toddler/tween/spouse . . .
DeleteI will work on the shiny. :)
I love this, i love you. Babies suck so bad. Then they fool us with their cuteness, and we have more. What the heck. And my idiot sil & brother were into that swaddling crap - but they were totally do it to just basically trap the kid, cram them into a corner of the couch, and go play role playing games or watch Dr Who. True story.
ReplyDeleteI kind of admire their goals. :)
DeleteLove it. Duh.
ReplyDeleteBut you forgot a couple:
Breastfeed.
Give them a bottle.
Anne, keeping me honest. Those are great additions. Hope you're doing well!
DeleteI tried to swaddle my 14 year old son, after he rolled his eyes at me... It didn't work out as I had hoped it would.
ReplyDeleteCan't win if you don't play. Next time? Duct tape.
DeleteBabies are jerks- bwahaha! Thanks for shedding some light on that dirty,dark secret. Nice one with the Twins post....tandem PMS. Maybe strangers will send you bottles of wine during their teen years.
ReplyDeleteIlana @ Mommy Shorts add the tandem PMS; it's brilliant. I LOLed, too.
DeleteThanks for the support. I will be expecting a wine delivery this week. Just to be prepared.
I had one daughter who hated really hated to be wrapped up and one who loved it if her arms where free and one who loved it each one different.........Babies are just so hard to understand
ReplyDelete"Babies are just so hard to understand." I love that. Simplicity.
DeleteThat list hysterical and totally reminded me why I am happy that I don't have anymore in the infant/baby stage. Sometimes my uterus gets lonely and thinks, maybe one more would hurt. Yup, you cured me of that, lol!!
ReplyDeleteWell, I do love babies enough to have 4 of my own, but any chance to bring clarity to a fellow mom, hey, I live to serve.
DeleteMy daughter was Cybil for sure. One minute she was loving being rocked, then in the next she'd become a screaming banshee. And showers? Forget it. She wouldn't go to my husband, so I'd hand her off and scramble in to the shower to hastily wash off so I could get out and get the screeching to stop. Fun times...fun times. When do I get my tubes tied?
ReplyDeleteI always thought I was doing something wrong because I found it impossible to leave my screeching baby with my husband. I realize now I just couldn't stand the damn screeching. I was willing to go days without a shower rather than allow my husband a learning curve in Soothing 101. Pudding brain. That's what I believe happens if you have to listen to a screaming baby for more than 30 minutes. I like my brain in its solid, non-dessert state.
DeleteHee-larious! I had not one but two babies with colic, and they screamed their bloody heads off no matter what we did. And there was always some mom standing nearby saying, "Tighten the swaddle," "That swaddle's too tight," "Is she hungry?" "Maybe you should switch to formula," "Have you had a reflux check?" and so on. But all I heard was, "You must be doing something wrong, because babies aren't supposed to cry. You get an F."
ReplyDeleteOf course you did! That's unfortunate. I had one colicky baby. I already felt like a failure. That kind of constant advice would have shrunk my self-esteem to less than zero.
DeleteOur newest (freakishly happy) baby boy hates to be swaddled. I'm fairly sure he tried to punch me when I attempted to swaddle him in the hospital. He's in a fantastic mood all day, but the minute I put him in his sleep sack for the night, I'm pretty sure he wants to punch me in the face again. We love him.
ReplyDeleteHe sounds perfect. I like a baby who doesn't trust a sleep sack. Those are just baby Snuggies. Your boy is fighting the downfall of humanity.
DeleteThe countdown to the shots -- right on! That's exactly what happens in my house.
ReplyDeleteThese signs are both so funny! So you would understand that I call fetuses parasites? Ellen
ReplyDeleteOh, babies. Mine is an asshole sometimes. What is the worst is when they do something just horrible, like poop all over, start screaming over nothing, punch me in the boob, they do something wonderful like smile or giggle for the first time. It is quite unfair.
ReplyDelete